A recent post about why people don’t try harder to make relationships work, got me thinking and my random thoughts led to this post. It’s usually how I end up writing my blogs. They start with random thoughts that I pen down and continue editing till it starts to read like something I want to share.
And today I’ve been thinking about love and the most important relationship you will ever be in - The one with yourself. I know that self-love is an over-used cliché spouted by most self-help gurus, but it is important that we really begin to question whether we understand the meaning of it, do we realise how it may help us and more importantly how do we begin to start loving ourselves.
So, bear with me as I steal and paraphrase the lyrics of an old favourite song that is stuck in my head as I write this :)
Let's talk about love, baby Let's talk about you and me Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be
What is self-love?
The Wikipedia page on the topic begins with:
Self-love, defined as "love of self" or "regard for one's own happiness or advantage", has been conceptualised both as a basic human necessity and as a moral flaw, akin to vanity and selfishness, synonymous with amour-propre, conceitedness, egotism, narcissism, et al.
And within this duality lies the problem. Many of us have been told that putting yourself first is an act of selfishness. That a good person sacrifices their own happiness for others. And then there are many proponents of self-love who take it to the other extreme with statements like “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do”. Well, love doesn’t really work this way.
I found a better way to describe self-love in an article on the PsychCentral website, “Self-love means that you accept yourself fully, treat yourself with kindness and respect, and nurture your growth and wellbeing.”
Now this makes more sense to me. But I’m sure you’re not here to read stuff I copy pasted from elsewhere. So let’s break this down.
We often confuse love with indulgence
Think back to your favourite teacher in primary school or think of someone you consider to be a good parent and think of how they deal with the children under their care. They are nurturing, kind, tender yet firm. They will always ensure that their ward learns and continues to grow. They correct their mistakes but don’t blame them for it and their words are never disrespectful or harsh. They never label the child as “bad” or “wrong”. Their primary focus is on what is needed for the child’s development.
Self-love is being both that teacher and that child. Being good to yourself doesn’t mean indulging yourself when you know something is bad for you. It
isn’t about avoiding difficult situations or being selfish. It is about doing what is right for you. Good things are often hard to do. Exercise is unpleasant, lazing around is not. Learning a new skill is difficult, being complacent is not. Giving up your screen-time to work is not fun but it might be what is needed to meet that deadline or ace that exam.
Self-love is about taking responsibility for your actions
Many people confuse responsibility with self-blame when the two are actually complete opposites. When you take responsibility for your life you put yourself in control. It is empowering because when something goes right you can enjoy the fruits of it and when things don’t go as envisioned you know that changing things up is also completely in your control. Blame on the other hand takes away your control. It is disempowering and demotivating. When you blame yourself for the state of affairs you are simply telling yourself that you aren’t in charge and making yourself a victim. Loving yourself means putting yourself in the driver’s seat.
Learning to forgive
People make mistakes, you make mistakes, things go wrong, it happens. We need to learn how to forgive. Forgiveness is the ultimate act of self-love. If you don’t forgive someone, it is you who walks around angry and suffers that cloud of resentment looming over you. The other person might not even know or care. So you need to do it for you, not for anyone else.
Another aspect of forgiveness is being kind to ourselves. We spend too much time focusing on our so-called flaws and using harsh words while talking to ourselves.
Remember the kind teacher. They would say that “You made a mistake”, not, “You are wrong”. There’s a difference in the two.
You might recognise constructive criticism or the sandwich technique of giving feedback as concepts we try to use with others but when did you last use it for yourself? When did you last focus on looking for solutions rather than wallowing in self-pity? When did you say two good things about yourself to soften the blow for that one harsh negative thought about something you did?
Next time you want to find fault in something you did, try saying it like this..
I am good at…(insert good thing 1)…
I might have made this mistake…(describe mistake) …. But I accept it and forgive myself for it and I will figure out how to make up for it
I love myself
Our conversation with ourselves is a key to self-love.
Self-love is essential
While to some, this joke might be just that, there are so many of us out there who react with disbelief whenever someone does something nice for us or pays us a compliment. Have you ever wondered why? The answer is often found in ‘a lack of self-love’.
If you spend all your time focusing on your flaws, you start to assume that’s all others see in you. If you don’t believe you are worthy of attention, you get suspicious when someone showers you with it. If you tend to constantly blame yourself for things, your conversations with others will always be in defensive mode. If you don’t see the good in yourself you will constantly go out of your way to please others, crave positive affirmation, and then resent them for not appreciating you. When, it is you who doesn’t appreciate you. If you don’t see the value in yourself, you will hesitate to ask for a raise or a promotion. If you don’t think you can, you will never attempt to do something new.
This is why it is important to love yourself first.
Start loving yourself
Self-love begins with extending the same respect and care you have for others to yourself.
Start with acknowledging that you cannot be positive, or happy or at your best, every day. Recognise your moods, accept them, and try and alter your day to accommodate your moods when needed.
Everyone needs a break so don’t push yourself too hard. And when you find yourself in a major slump, be your own cheerleader and look for a change in your routine that might break it.
When I find myself low or demotivated, I find it uplifting to indulge in a day at the salon getting my hair and nails done. Then I get all dressed up, and look in the mirror and tell myself I’m strong and beautiful and intelligent. After that I’m ready to take on anything.
Find time for yourself in your routine
It may be to exercise or meditate or read or take a walk or to simply catch up on your sleep. Don’t waste this precious time in your day on scrolling through social media or browsing your web. Do something that feeds your spirit. It’s the small stuff that matters.
Give yourself treats
Perhaps you want to take yourself out on a date, or indulge in some retail therapy. A cheat day when you swap your salad for chola bhatura. A solo trip or boys/girls trip to blow off some steam. Setting goals and rewarding yourself when you achieve them is good but it’s also important once in a while to treat yourself just because.
Invest in yourself
Study, read, learn something new, hire that personal trainer, get that certification, do what you need to grow in your professional or personal life. Spending money for self improvement is an investment. Choose wisely.
Change the conversation
The good habits that last are the ones you develop for your own happiness. No one can get you to go to the gym, or quit smoking, or eat healthy. Only you can alter your habits because you want to. Here’s a simple switcheroo that works wonders.
Replace the words “I have to” with “I get to”, and see the magic happen
Don’t tell yourself I have to reduce my calorie intake, say I get to achieve my goal-weight by eating healthy. Don’t tell yourself I have to wake up early to go to work, tell yourself I get to wake up and go do a job I am excited about. Joy is something only we can create for ourselves. It’s just a matter of a shift in perspective.
So, stop looking for something or someone outside yourself to fix things for you. Learn to love yourself. Learn to accept when you made a mistake and to know when it isn’t your fault. Look at yourself through a veil of love and know that you aren’t perfect. No one is!
A happy you can create a happy life
XOXO
Vibhinta
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